


We're painting in this world alone

by milkxysuffers



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A lot of Flashbacks, Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Angst, Anime, BTW, Bad Habbits, Clouds, Escapism, Eventual Romance, Eventual Smut, First fanfic on AO3, Flashbacks, Fluff, M/M, Self-Harm, Sorry Not Sorry, Starving, University AU, alternatie universe, art and shit, artist akaashi, bokuto is hot, bokuto is literally an angel, haikyuu!! - Freeform, how the story is going, i dunno au, it depends on, more characters may be added, other relationships?, park au, we already knew that, well metaphorically
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-07-02
Updated: 2017-07-04
Packaged: 2018-11-22 09:04:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,865
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11376981
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/milkxysuffers/pseuds/milkxysuffers
Summary: Every day, sometime in the morning I will be in the park sitting on a bench next to a huge old oak tree. When sitting on this bench, I’d like to watch the way the clouds dance in the sky, high above the ground. I also like to make shapes out of them. Just like what I did when I was a young child.Akaashi is an artist and he still has awful flashbacks and bad habits. Whilst Bokuto is an angel in disguise. Well not literally, but he helps Akaashi through his struggles.





	1. Good memories and small flashbacks

**Author's Note:**

> Yo, this is my first Haikyuu!! fanfic even though I've been in the fandom since the beginning of time... 
> 
> This idea was inspired by my best pal: cursedbrioche  
> Don't forget to go and check her stuff out too!! (She has Haikyu!! stuff too).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is an introduction to the beautiful akaashi!
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading this chapter and don't forget to leave kudos! I will also try and update this fanfic every few days, (3 - 4 days) so stay subscribed!

Every day, sometime in the morning I will be in the park sitting on a bench next to a huge old oak tree. When sitting on this bench, I’d like to watch the way the clouds dance in the sky, high above the ground. I also like to make shapes out of them. Just like what I did when I was a young child.  
When I was a child I could always make out the images of owls in the clumps of fluff. I would always see a big owl and a small owl. Sometimes the owls would be in a sitting position. Sometimes the owls would be in a position of flight. However, my most favourite image I made out of the clumps of fluid wool was the smaller owl snuggling into the bigger owl. I thought it was so romantic yet so calming.  
I have never had a proper romantic experience unless you can count falling in love with art. I have been in love with art since the age of 14. The same time I experienced seeing the vivid images of the clouds shaped as owls.

  
As I thought of an innocent child memory I inhaled in and exhaled out the cold winters air.

  
Those were the good times I thought. I had a slight expression of happiness on my face – an emotion I never showed because I have nothing to be happy about. Well, I was a bit happy, as I was in my second year of a prestigious art university and that I also had this park to come to every morning. I didn’t have any friends but I knew people. I also had my art to keep me happy and distracted from the darkness that polluted my mind.  
At that exact moment, the wind blew at my face, and I realised my surroundings. I was startled to be fully honest because I was sitting on a bench with a sketchpad and pencil in hand. I was also staring up at the crooked arms of the naked old humongous oak tree. (I probably looked weird. Most likely confused).

  
I regained my posture and I looked at my surroundings. Not far away from where I was sitting were a small coffee shop, bustling with people dressed in smart clothes for work. There were also some students standing outside the café with cups of coffee in their hands. I quickly sketched out the outlines of the people swarming around the crowded place.  
I looked in the opposite direction of the park and saw a person cycling across the length of the park. They were also wearing a smart attire, so they were most likely a businessman. Quickly, I sketched a figure and a bike.  
The other person a saw was someone I saw on a regular basis. The person I see is a man who does some serious exercising. They warm they’re muscles up by stretching and doing a few jumping jacks. They then go and run. I assume they run around the whole perimeter of the park because I don’t see them for about an hour. When I next notice their presence, they are doing push ups, sit ups, squats and other things you do when working out. When they work out, they do these activities in the same spot as I first saw them in the morning.

  
You may or may not have guessed but I drew them as well. Rough, quick sketches of them in different positions. But lately I have started to draw his figure out more neatly and in more detail. (Well some detail is not fully correct as I watch him from the top of a slope. I also observe him away from his line of sight so it shouldn’t hopefully notice that I am using him as references to the human anatomy).

I yawned and a puff of cold air swarmed out and around my open mouth. Whilst finishing yawning I looked down to my wrist to note the time from my gold metal and brown leather watch. Surprised with how much time I let slip by, I put my sketchpad away in my worn out emerald green backpack and stood up. I placed my dry rough hands on my sides and pushed my body outwards in an attempt to stretch out my back. Creating the sounds of clicking, I didn’t stop stretching my back out until I couldn’t hear any more clicks of air bubbles popping in my spine.  
With satisfaction of stretching my back out, I took my burgundy coloured beanie of my head and pushed my now curly black hair back, before putting on my stylish and warm beanie back on my head. Now even more satisfied, I rubbed my tired eyes and picked up my backpack and swinged it onto my back. I sighed heavily and started to walk away from the bench. I eyed the man who was exercising, once more before walking away. I felt sad to leave, but I’ll see him again tomorrow, I thought, so I perked up slightly.

  
*

  
I was near my apartment but I decided to pop into a small shop to quickly buy some food. I had to complete an essay by the end of the week so I needed to stock up on food. I walked into the small shop and picked up a basket before choosing out items that I needed.

  
I got halfway through my shopping trip and I heard a soft voice word out, “Akaashi, is that you?”. Confused I turned my head around to see a figure slightly taller than myself. They were slim and wearing a casual outfit – black converses, denim jeans, a navy jumper accompanied with a white shirt underneath. They also had a red puffy coat on with a fur hood and a massive grey scarf on. I looked up at their face and was confused to who they were.  
It then clicked when they smiled, showing of their perfect set of pearly white teeth. It was Sugawara Koushi. “Sugawara?” I questioned back. His smile widened and he nodded in agreement to my question. “I haven’t seen you in ages! How have you been?” I stuttered and answered without hesitation, “Hi, Suga! I’ve been fine!”. That was such a lie I thought to myself. I haven’t been fine. However, I quickly followed up my answers to another question, “What are you doing here?”. Well that was a stupid question I thought to myself after asking it. He was obviously in a food shop to buy food.

  
Suga slightly blushed and replied with, “Just buying something to eat for lunch, I’ve been studying since yesterday afternoon. Well, in other words I pulled of an all-nighter to complete an essay”. Before I could say anything, someone appeared behind Suga. They were wearing a similar outfit to Suga but with a slight alterations of dark brown leather boots instead of black converses. They also were wearing a jumper but with no shirt on just a t-shirt. You could tell as you could see the hem of the t-shirt from under the thick dark green jumper. Lastly, they wore a rain jacket style coat coloured black instead of a puffy coat like Suga’s and my own. I looked up to see his face and remembered a familiar face. They had tanned skin with dark coloured eyes and black hair. It was Daichi!

  
“Hi akaashi, long time no see!”. He spoke proudly, like per usual. “Hi!” I squeaked out. Confused, he tilted his head at me. “Ermm…” I stuttered out. Before I could try to say anything else, Suga butted in with, “As you can see, I’m here with Daichi. We were buying some ingredients to make lunch”. I nodded and spoke out with, “Me too. Well I’m stocking up on food for the next week, as I have an essay to finish”. I stood their awkwardly and Daichi asked, “What do you study?”. Suga looked at him, like he was about to answer but I got there before him, “Art, fine art”. I breathed out and they both smiled at me, “Wow! I thought you did something else like science, considering that you were so good at science. I didn’t know you liked art, that’s so cool”. Suga, glowed with proudness and happiness. He has known me since the beginning of high school even though he is a year above me and went to different schools.

  
You are probably wondering how, we met if we went to different schools. Well it was a small coincidence of interests. Like mentioned by my senpai, Suga; I was very interested in science and very good at that subject, so I was put forward for some high school science event of where you had to create a project up and present it to some elite scientists. This competition was open to all the high schools in the area.  
To cut the story down, my school came second place to this school called Shiratorizawa. The school that came third place was a school called Karasuno. The team leader for the school that came in third place was really interested in the project that I leaded for my school. (My school project was to prove the benefits of using plants as medicine, rather than using man-made medicine). It was a very interesting project and that is what led me closer to becoming friends with a second year from another school. (By the way this project happened in my first year of high school).

  
After speaking to him after the show for about two hours, we took each other’s phone numbers and emails and kept in contact. I was also invited to watch his volleyball matches, which I always turned down as sports bored me to death. I also never understood why you would want to run around after a ball for an hour or more.

I breathed out and realized that I had gone quiet in front of my old friend Suga and his friend, Daichi. To quickly save myself from blushing from embarrassment, I asked Suga a question, “So what do you study then?”. With a quick response Suga responded with, “I study psychology at Fukurōdani University”. The moment I heard my school name my eyes shot up at him, an, “You study at Fukurōdani? I go there too! I decided to carry on going there as I went to that high school, so I thought it was easier to carry on going there instead of finding somewhere new”. My voice sounded excited, for once. I was genuinely happy that an old close friend of mine studied at the same place as I did.  
Suga’s eyes shot up at mine in mention of his educational establishment. “I never knew you went there, well it makes sense as you did attend the high school, but I never saw you and you never mentioned anything about it… Wow, I’m so happy!”. His smile widened, with a slight tint of pink blossoming on his cheeks. I couldn’t help, but let myself smile slightly.

“Ermm, I hate to break the reunion up, but I’m hungry”. Daichi spoke out for the second time. I quickly looked at my watch and realized that we had been speaking for about 30 minutes. I apologized but suga wouldn’t take any apologies as we are friends and we were only catching up. I was about to part ways to continue my food shopping but Suga questioned me with, “Do you have Line? I would like to keep in contact again from here onwards”. I nodded and added him to my short friend list. I also added Daichi because why not. He’s a cool person when you really get him fired up and if I remember quite righty, he was like a second dad to like everyone so he would be a good person to speak to in moments of ‘dad advice’. We then said our goodbyes and continued on with life.

  
*

  
I was now home in my small apartment. Yes, I am a student but I paid more to own a separate apartment, so I didn’t have to share with anyone. There is nothing worse than having to live with loads of people, especially if you don’t do good with loads of people.  
I walked into my small apartment and put all my food away and sat down on the small cream coloured sofa with 3 packaged onigiris, (rice balls) to eat. After talking to Suga for so long, I wasn’t as hungry anymore, but I had to eat something or I would get into bad habits again, so I ate something small. Whilst nibbling away at my food, I pulled out my sketchpad and looked at the rough sketches of the exercising male.  
My finger traced over the charcoal grey lines slowly, following where each pencil line went. I smiled as I thought about how one person being somewhere every day at the same exact time as me, made me feel so happy. It was like he was there just for me to watch and draw. It sounds creepy but I never realized up until now how much this person that I didn’t even know anything about made me feel so warm and special.

I closed my black sketchbook and held it close to my heart. I closed my eyes and felt a tear slowly stream down my cheek.


	2. Bad flashbacks and confusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a roller coaster of emotions so buckle yourself in and enjoy!
> 
> btw...
> 
> WARNING: I would suggest not reading the flashback if self harm triggers or upsets you! You have been warned!!!  
> (The flashback is all in italics...)

[Start of flashback]

_I studied hard in school and was in the top set. I kept myself to myself and went home straight away after school. I never did anything wrong and was a good person. I respected my parents and did the chores around the house whilst they were away working._

_Even though I lived a perfect and ordinary life, it didn’t feel perfect and ordinary. It felt distorted and strange. It felt like I was locked up in a cage and calling out for help. But because I seemed so perfect and ordinary, no one noticed my cry for help._

_This is why I turned to art. Art took away the pain that I felt and helped me expressed my emotions. People questioned my taste in style as I produced dark paintings of people crying and killing themselves in the most metaphorical of ways. But the outside me shrugged it off as a style or as inspiration from another artist. But the inner me always cried when I couldn’t tell them the truth and say two simple words, “Help me!”._

_The older I got, the more my mind was polluted with darkness. It swamped all thoughts and emotions, restraining the inner me more and more until I couldn’t move. It felt like I was paralyzed._

_By the time I was in the second year of high school, I was mentally tired. But I never showed it once until one day._

_It was a nice day. A warm sunny Sunday. I remember this day clearly as I remember seeing the cloud owls from when I was leaning out of my window, to let the spring air freshen my face._

_I hadn’t seen the cloud owls for about a year, but when I saw them, it felt sad to see. There was no big owl. Just the small owl. However, the smaller owl cloud looked smaller and more distance. Even on this sunny day the cloud was coloured like bruised skin. Purple with dark undertones of grey. I had also noted how the cloud looked like it could burst with rain any moment now._

_It was so upsetting to see. Something that I thought was so innocent, looked so defeated and detached from the clouds around it._

_I closed my window, took a step away from the glass door and BAM! Tears was streaming down both my cheeks at an alarming rate. My eyes squished tight as I let my emotions control my body. Tear after tear rolled down my slightly tanned face. I never knew when the day would come that I showed the slightest of any of my true emotions, but today was the day._

_I couldn’t constrain myself. I wished someone was in another room, so they could come running in and save me from the suffocating obscurity that played over and over in my head. Just like a broken record player._

_Before I could stop the flow of uptight emotions I had dropped from a standing position into a fetal position. Slumped against my bed, I rocked myself unconsciously, hitching out a high pitch wail._

_At first, I didn’t know why I Iet myself be shown to the emptiness of my bedroom like this, but then I realized something. My crying halted abruptly and I pulled my arms away from my sides, pushing my body up into a sitting position._

_Why couldn’t I hear the inner me anymore? It was always there, crying out and screaming for freedom from the gloomy swamp that I called my mind._

 

_I started to panic. Hyperventilating to put myself correct. Eyes widened and my chest moving in and out at a quicker than a normal pace, questioning why it had disappeared._

_It wasn’t good that it was gone because, I didn’t feel any better for it being gone. I felt more worse off and insecure to be left with the silent record repeating itself, over and over again._

_As time ticked by, the morning sun became an afternoon glaze of brightness and the inner me was still gone. I felt lost without hearing the constant reminder of how much life pained me. But it also took me to realization of why I have such dull emotions to my life._

_As I thought about a question that I never questioned before, the suns light pushed into my dull living space and brought warmth to it for once. The pure light poured into every nook and cranny of my room, illuminating all my possessions._

_As I looked around my bedroom, my eye caught something glistening brightly from the over side of the room. As my brain was registering what this item could be, a voice spoke in monotone from inside my mind. It was my inner me again, but it didn’t sound sad, nor did it sound happy. It was just an empty note of emotion._

_“Do it!”_

  _I questioned what my inner me was saying. What does, “Do it!” mean?_

  _Do it!”_

_Before I could answer my questioning, I felt a rush of cold energy run though my body._

_I didn’t like the feeling of this._

_"_ _If you want to free me, you will have to do it!”._

_My inner me spoke with no emotion just demand._

_The rush of cold energy pushed me to my feet from sitting on my bed. As I stood I had a clear view of what the glistening bright object was. It was my push up craft knife that I used for my art pieces._

 

_As I realized what my inner me was directing me towards, I tried to resist it. I tried to resist the cold energy that was making me step towards the sharp silver object._

 

_One step_

_Two step_

_Three step_

_Four step – I used every inch of muscle that I had to stop any movements, but it wasn’t working._

_Five step – I don’t want to do this... I don’t want to…_

 

_“Do you want to free the suffering inner you?”_

_A low graspy voice pointed out. I had never heard my inner me speak so directly to me, and it made so much sense to do what my inner me was trying to action, but I didn’t want to cause any more pain to my body. I had already caused a lot of mental pain. I didn’t need to bring more to myself._

_My right hand was now gripping to the black and blue plastic which encased the colourless yet new blade. My hand shook slightly as I pushed my equipped hand towards my left arm._

_I breathed out and, “I don’t want you to do this, but if you do; you will be freed from me”. The soft voice of the inner me spoke. This was the voice that I was accustomed to, not that creepy lifeless voice._

_My breath hitched and I digged the blade into my arm. It hurt. I pulled the blade. It created a line. I pulled the blade out and pushed it next to the scarlet line._

_At this point, it felt like I was high. Not that I had ever been high before, but this is what I imagined being high was like. Not being able to feel a thing and realizing what you had done, until you had finished doing what you were doing._

_As I snapped back into reality, I had stopped creating damage and had dropped the blade. However, I didn’t stop the bleeding. I let my arm bleed. Letting it trickle down my tanned arm. I wanted to feel the movement of the blood. I wanted to feel the excruciating pain that I had put myself through. I wanted to remember the suffering that my inner me went through. Even though it was now free from the prison that I called my mind, I still wasn’t free._

 

_Unconsciously, I grabbed the nearest piece of material, to stop the bleeding. I had also taken my phone out to contact someone._

_I didn’t want to alert an ambulance or my parents I wanted to alert my only friend; Sugawara. He should be finished with his volleyball practise now, as I pushed in the keys of my phone to create a message to send to him._

_“Could you come by my house on the way back from practise. There is something important I need to tell you…”_

_As my thumb clicked the enter button, my body gave way and fell to the hard-wooden ground._

 

_Dark fog seeped into my body. I wasn’t aware of anything until I could hear a soft yet panicked voice. It sounded so distance but so close by. As I switched between the darkness that was trying to pull me under and reality, the voice grew louder and more panicked, the closer it got to me._

 

_“Akaashi?”_

_“Akaashi, where are you?”_

 

_I kept hearing that until I heard a big gasp. A big shocked gasp._

_Warm hands were placed on my shoulders, as in attempt to wake me._

 

_“Akaashi, are you still with me? Please be...”. A frightened voice spoke._

_I heard the dial of a phone and the conversation of Suga and someone else, which I couldn’t make out to be. When the conversation ended, I felt something nice and warm on my cheek, stoking my slightly dry skin._

 

_“It’s going to be all alright!” The frightened yet reassuring voice spoke._

_Once the sentence had been spoken, I felt my eyes moisten, and streaks of wetness trail down my face. My mouth opened and spoke weak words:_

_“Help me!”._

 [End of flashback]

 

* * *

 

Startled, I woke up to the pretty songs that the small feathered creatures sung in the morning. My head was resting on the textured wall behind me, and I was still hugging my black worn out sketchbook.

I sat up properly and placed my treasured item next to my legs on the sofa and started to stretch out my back. As I was creating the popping of air bubbles in my spine, I realized that I had a free day from university today, so that meant that I could spend longer in the park.

Now enthusiastic about today, I moved at a faster pace towards the small bathroom, to jump in the shower. It wasn’t a long journey to move to the bathroom, as my apartment is more of a small studio, which I adored dearly. I have even personalized it to my own taste.

I had a few prints on the wall from my favourite artists. I also had a few of my own work up on the wall because why not. Stringed along the wall that the window was based, I had warm coloured fairy lights strung across. These little firefly wannabes really created a homely touch to the place that was known as my home. There was nothing else in the main room except an average sofa with a reasonable sized desk with all my art equipment on top of with a swivel chair parked underneath. On the flattened material of the chair a charcoal grey and yellow cushion sat on top of the rough material to add more comfort.

 

As I got to the bathroom I stripped yesterday’s clothes off my slightly toned body before getting in the small cubicle. As the hot water streaked down my back I had the darkest of flashbacks. It was awful to remember something that I had kept pushed away in my mind for 3/4 years. It brought tears to my eyes, as I reminisced that day.

I brought my right hand down from my hair which was lathed with shampoo, and stroked the ribbed skin of my left arm.

Even though the scars were old now, they remained a coral pink colour which contrasted weirdly with my slightly tanned skin. Luckily, the wounds didn’t hurt, but it still hurt mentally, knowing that I will be stuck with something so ugly on my body. How will anyone love me seeing this, and even knowing that I did such an act on my own body.

 

I finished up with my shower, grabbed a white towel from outside of the shower and went to the sink to brush my straight set of teeth. I towel dried my now long curly hair and pushed it back, not bothering about styling it today. It’s not like anyone is going to notice me anyway.

 

7:00AM

I noted the time and quickly pulled together a casual outfit of, a pair of black skinny jeans, a dark grey flannel shirt and my dark mustard yellow coloured cardigan. I put on my black converses, grabbed my 2 year old backpack and was ready to go.

I was about to leave the door until I forgot two, no actually three important things. Firstly, my worn-out precious sketchbook. How was I supposed to practice my drawing skills, if I couldn’t draw on anything? Secondly my burgundy coloured beanie. I loved this hat so much. It kept my head warm from the cold winters breath and it looked good against the colour of my olive skin and metallic blue eyes. Lastly, I hadn’t eaten anything today and eaten much in a little while. I wasn’t hungry and getting back into old habits.

I sighed and told myself that I will just have make myself buy something to eat. As a little reminder, I quickly wrote on the back of my hand in a black fine line pen:

“Eat food today!”.

I rushed to the door, opened it, left the apartment, shut the door and locked it.

Upon hearing the click of the mechanisms of the lock I moved away from my small apartment to leave for the cold winters morning.

 

*

 

I was walking towards the park gates, when I noted how still the atmosphere was. For a Monday morning, it was calm. There wasn’t loads of people rushing in and out of the park to get from one end of it to another. (The park is a shortcut to get to the city quicker).

I for one liked it like this. This is because I could focus on drawing better. I might even be able to draw the exercise guy in even more detail now I thought to myself, as I have studied his features for long enough.

As I chuckled to myself quietly, I found myself at the top of the slope next to the dark brown wooden bench.

The wind screeched as it moved at a fast pace towards my face. I let the wind hit me hard, creating a stinging sensation across the whole of my face.

 

Now sitting down on the not so comfortable bench. I put my bag on the jagged concrete floor beneath me and started to tug at my zip to open it.

Once I had open the old silver zip on my emerald green backpack, I pulled my A4 size sketchbook out of my aged bag, and looked up in my left direction and noticed something.

 

The man who exercised daily wasn’t there in his usual spot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry (not sorry) for putting Akaashi through so much pain but it will help with character development and who is this mysterious exercising man??? I wonder, can you guess?


	3. NOT A CHAPTER! SORRY!

 

**I am putting this on hold for a while as I am writing another story at the moment and I feel like, that is going better, so I'm putting all my effort into that at the moment!**

**I don't know if this story will ever be completed and I will aim to have it finished - even it becomes a shorter story but, its not happening at the moment!**

**I'm sorry if you was looking forward to a new chapter but, could I direct you to my other story called 'Deteriorating' Its a Kageyama (x Hinata) angst af story. So if you could show love on that story, then I would be more than thankful!**


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